Monday, December 22, 2014

"And how does that make you FEEL?"

I was planning on doing a reflective post about 2014 ~in retrospect~, and I'm still going to do that, but I couldn't go another second without writing about what's going on in my head right now.

(Keep in mind that I'm writing this at 2am.)

We have this joke at Lesley University that everyone has a minor in feelings, and that we talk about feelings all the time in class. (Not true, but at the same time...very true.) And I'm a counseling major, so I talk about feelings a lot.

How did this article make you feel? In this scenario, how do you think the client feels?
Etc. Etc. Etc.

Sure, I can discuss how I felt about something in a class of 20 people, but it never really goes below the surface for me. As much as I would like to say that I am open and honest about my feelings, I'm really not. I've been grappling with this truth these past few months, after feeling pretty rejected for just being me. At the same time, I've gained a lot of insight about myself, my strengths, and my emotions. They're intense, they're raw, and sometimes they're numbing. I feel and I feel, but it's difficult for me to let other people know that I'm hurting or overwhelmed.

Don't get me wrong - I am surrounded by love and compassion and warmth. I just can't really bear to truly open up to people, even to the people that I'm close with. It's an interesting complex, and it sucks, and it's weird, but I'm working on it.

(Alright, sappy "me" portion aside.)

Humans are capable of a million different things, but I really think that one of our greatest assets is our ability to feel. (Oh my god, so cheesy, I know. But seriously.) The moment that you are angry or sad or hurt or confused and are able to recognize that emotion and just sit with it...it's amazing. We're always like, "focus on the positive and get rid of the negative, man." (Insert hippie peace sign here.) But no matter what, the negative will find you, so you might as well just accept it. Allow yourself to be with that raw energy, because it's really a wonderful thing.

Nowadays, being "emotional" or "sensitive" can equate to being "unstable," and that's bullshit. Being able to access such an intense, beautiful part of yourself should be appreciated.

Basically, this is what I wanted to say about feelings:
If someone makes you feel invalidated, or unstable, or incompetent because you have the ability to express your pain or joy in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, kick 'em to the curb.

You (I) don't deserve to feel any shame for being fully present with yourself (myself).
It's a gift, and sometimes a curse, but it's you (me), and you're (I'm) awesome.


'Til next time,
Christina

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