Tuesday, January 5, 2016

These are not New Year's Resolutions. I repeat, these are NOT New Year's Resolutions.

As much as I would love to be edgy by saying that New Year's Resolutions are pointless and impractical, I think that a new year is the perfect time to make some changes in your life. Also, I basically consider this blog a public diary at this point, so why not just give the people what they want (more stuff about me)?

This post isn't about a long list of resolutions as much as it's about a confession - to myself, and to whoever is reading this. (If this were a YouTube video, I'd make a cut and play Usher's Confessions, Part II right now.) This post is about me surrendering and being vulnerable, because I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling how I've felt for so long, and I'm ready to take responsibility and leave myself accountable.

I'm a pretty insecure person, and I feel lonely and unhappy a lot of the time. I place so much of my own self-worth into relationships with other people that I've lost myself in the madness. At the end of the day, I feel unfulfilled by the many interactions I have with others, and crave a strong, genuine connection. I lean on my self-deprecating humor to make up for the fact that I'm actually feeling down, and I blame others for making me feel so lonely and left out. It's really not fair to anyone, including myself.

I don't trust myself or my journey. I don't trust my ability to live a life of love and joy by myself, so I turn to mindless online dating. I don't trust myself to be vulnerable with others, so I end up turning them away. I don't trust the fact that I have a promising future, so I choose to dwell on what I'm not instead of what I am.

So here I am, aware of the fact that I am this way. It's a start, right? This is where I start. This is where I start to trust and accept myself, where I am, and where I'm going. This is my surrender to end the self-sabotage and to leave room for love. Love for myself, mostly. Also love for and from others.

I tweeted this a couple of days ago (so Millenial~), but I truly think that we are all okay, and that if we don't feel okay, there are ways to get back. Counseling, writing, yoga, hugs, whatever. Whatever the tools are, we need to trust that we are already the person we aspire to be. Most of us have just fallen away from that person due to events, self-doubt, or other trying circumstances; even so, that person is always there. It's just a matter of finding them again.

So here's to 2016, and to being that person again.


'Til next time,
Christina

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